I have something to say, something which I feel I must confess before we can continue on with this trivial charade of normality that our family has maintained, save for the exceptional few breaks here or there, for the last...oh...god knows how many years.

I apologise now if I seem embittered, my darling kin, but... I want to say this, before the words consume my spirit and send's democlese' sword down a few more precious inches towards my head, and to that end, my sanity. Please, please just refrain from interrupting me this once; all I ask is that you hear me to the end before raging at me, or breaking into tears, or blocking out my fucking existance like the rest of the family who sufficiently pisses you off.

It's hard, living with you, you know? I mean, not all the time; the vast majority of the time I'm so proud, so unspeakably happy that you're part of the family, that you're my flesh and blood. You've made me grin, shared your passions and enthused them onto me and in turn I've done the same for you. Time after time we've shared so much joy together and I can't tell you what it means to me to have those experiences together!

But...

What can I say... Sometimes... Sometimes I hate - no, no, not hate - find it hard to like you. I find myself cursing your problems, wishing I could make things better for you, for the family. I know life is hard for you; you've lived through untold horrors due to depression, and now... Now you might be facing the ecletic gaggle of demons again and I want to take that pain from you. Of course, I want to do it because I care about you, but I must confess... It's more down to what I see the effects of your depression do to the family.

It's hard, living with someone with your particular form of depression. The sort that seeks to cleave the sufferer from their family, reject them; they aren't worthy, they don't love me, if they loved me why aren't they here, if they loved me they'll try to contact me... It inflicts so many wounds to everyone who does love you. Depression is evil and harmful but as much as I empathise with the sufferers and find the condition fascinating, no matter how many times I stand up for those suffering from mental illness when people accuse sufferers of playing up or seeking attention, I can't help but give in slowly to the conception - misconception? - that these illnesses are selfish things.

You know how the depression affects the family - before you start forumulating an argument why you don't, I know you do, you admitted as such years ago. "I was testing the boundries" you said, "trying to see how far I could take everyone's love before they cast me aside". We never did cast you aside, did we? Mum clung onto the hope you'd speak to her those long months where you didn't say a word to anyone, dad still does and he hasn't a clue why the hell you don't talk to him! A little bit of truth for you now, more honest than the rest of this because lets face it, this is all pretty much opinion so far, isn't it? Mum is scared that you're not coming home this time. That you're going to avoid the family altogether this year. I mean, for fuck's sake, you're even avoiding me and I'm the only one you communicated with last time round, the one you swore when you got out of depression you'd always talk to!!

And yes, a little rant about me. It hurts like hell having to play messenger girl when you're not at your best. I'm sick and tired of everyone pestering me about how you're doing because you don't talk to them, of having to deal with mum sounding so tired and heartbroken when I pass on bad news, of second guessing online sources as you don't tell me anything anymore... It's these times when I want to bury my head in the sand and say "I don't care" but I can't because I do, and I want everyone to be in the loop, and I want to be there for you, but you make it hard, so very hard...

I guess that's all I have to say... I've got the worst of it off my chest now. Just wish you'd let us in...


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A quick explaination. I wrote this using the Write or Die app ( [link] ) as a first draft to my monologue which I need to hand in by 18th December. I know it is usually bad form to post c/w to the net but I need to save this somewhere and Word is playing up. If you want to comment, feel free; any constructive criticism will be worked on (I can always use more to talk about in my self-evaluation).